I realized today how cleaning really makes something feel like it's yours. Hunter and I are working on moving into our new apartment in LA and though it is extremely stressful (buying furniture and picking out a place) it's been really great. Tomorrow the Ikea deliverymen come to put our furniture together and the electricity gets turned on. woot. Now we're about to eat Korean BBQ with misses Van Brocklin. Cheeeeeeee~

(no subject)
I don't talk about my relationships anymore
Suddenly I've got more going on.
College applications, scholarships are stressful all to hell.
But.. it's okay. I've been theorizing a lot recently about
Doubt. I think it's a kind of evil.
I've been noticing how much my life is influenced by it.

Also I've recently gotten srsly into comic books.
I'm not ashamed or anything, this is the geekiest I've been in my life
Comic books, Magic the Gathering, World of Warcraft and D&D.
I really wonder what normal girls do.

I pay too much to attention to gender stereotypes.
got to leave Lorelei's to meet Bobby with Josh now.

I am on fire.
it should be a burn & car crash fire.
Today I lost at an acting tournament. Honestly, I've learned to lose with dignity, so I wasn't all that upset. But yesterday I was all//
waaaah- my life is collapsing on into itself.
all my friendship circles are falling to ruin.
waaaah, I can't go to Los Angeles.
Yes, that is a very "Well.. damn it." sort of situation
But I just need to man the hell up.
After eating at Midcity Grill after the tournament, I drove a mate home,
Then drove disgustingly fast down the back roads on Tennessee.
One thing HVB and I share a passion for.

I feel bloody alive.
It's like. HEY! I want to do something I can be proud of.
HEY! I want to earn the reputation of FUCKING INCREDIBLE.
So. No more of this pansy shit.
I'm Courtney King, and don't you dare forget.

Some days my thoughts are sallow and filled with regret.
I wonder if I’ll have money.
If that will make up for the “things I’ve done”
Comfort can’t come from truth, because I have not always been a ready participant.
I’m a whore for love. I’m dilapidated with the need for someone to care about me.
And this is so weak.
It is my emotion that is my degradation?
Or my... Flippant treatment of other people’s heart..
I don’t know if honesty could fix this.
to be honest.
I know how much too much truth can hurt people.

I go to work now.
I wonder if you think of the life behind the eyes of your waitress.
Is she happy?
Is she thinking about what she’s going to do..

the dream after I went caving
I'm grasping on to the memory of a dream with the sinewy tendrils of of my fantastic consciousness. Sleeping this evening I met Sarah, the enemy.
I'll explain the whole of my dream just to place her.

I was escaping by train to a new world; primarily Los Angeles.
I felt the thrill of not knowing precisely where I was headed and
the feeling that I get during thunderstorms, as we passed through dark tunnels.
Somehow we we're always traveling upwards.
The train suddenly stopped, and the goose that was driving our migration train split in half. by some unseen force of destiny.
I left the train and found myself in a cave.
Where I met Sarah, who had been chasing after me.
She did not exist in the traditional human sense but that was the form she took.
(even describing her, makes the idea infinitely more linear than it is, I'm sorry)
The details in this creature were shifting as I watched.
It appeared a viscous liquid that congealed around long stone like bones to form curves that were shaped for the singular purpose of mating. Her eyes were the only light in the dark cavern that was not siphoned in to her presence, "she" seemed an essence taking form. and she payed little regard to the edges of her body. Her body seemed arbitrary, like she could slip in our out of it by choice. I reached out to touch her and as I missed, she ran a lithe almost gaseous hand down my back.Sending cold needles along my spine, The acupuncture of realized possibility.
As I stood staring into her tumultuous eyes,
my existence ceased in the acknowledgment of my feeble attempts of self realization.
My heartbeat pulsed the only pattern I could form.
Sarah, Lillith.
The enemy dispersed into a cackle, mocking my humanity.
and dissolved into me.

(no subject)
In light of recent discoveries I have a queer observation to impart about folks.
Those who have grown up in home schooled households seem to follow the most pleasant (also slightly non sequitar) lifestyle which puts these people in a esoteric, slightly estranged position in society. Thus imbuing them with tons of eclectic knowledge.
Which. One might say is great. I would say that.
see. I made a friend.
and he's awesome.
I learned that Jehovah's Witness followers aren't allowed to receive blood transfusions.
They carry a card in their wallet telling the doctors that they can't save them.
I want to make some arbitrary allusion to credit cards and the fatal state of the economy.

One Friday I will be running my first Dungeons and Dragons campaign.
Many times I have played before, this is my first experience presiding over the game.
I'm anxious.
There's a banshee in my adventure.
(Did you know banshee's were created when an extremely vain or self centered person, was so enraged at their own death they re manifested to haunt the living?)
and I dropped my adventure in a vat of symbolism.
Just for kicks. (Alternatively punches, if you're a monk)

I've been reading a great book recently known as My Name is Asher Lev.
It's about a Jewish child who is destined to become a painter.
People keep telling me it made them cry T_T
Finishing it is nerve wracking.
Though, I need to. It's required for Advanced ENGLISH.

Also. a stick in my plan.
That beautiful boy, Marco.
He isn't moving away.
I need to reassess things in that regard.

When I turn eighteen I have a very likely job at Books A Million, by the way.
This pleases me so much.

Be distracted by my pleasure as such to not notice I'm just getting off to go to sleep.
Tomorrow awaits.

(no subject)
To the blood taker, your girlfriend snores.

I think I need to take a moment to relate just how much I love my life.
Even with all details that have me constantly second guessing myself..
I have everything I could ask for.

Recently I've transferred passions.
One might say that I have exchanged lips for pages
and now the lines I read between don't have such sociological relevance.
Usually. This new found love for reading and the worlds inside books
is a wonderful relapse of constance.
I am pleased, the mentioned Dragonlance fan..
(definitely spent more than ten dollars on those this week.) {I can't even read them until I finish my silly Advanced Placement English books >:P}
but this made me smile.

As well, my lover is currently bald. A fact which shocks me as much as his reaffirmation into said role. :grins: I'm happy though. Even though I don't really want to abandon thoughts of that Freudian barista with the cure Mario tattoo. But.. it's Bobby. He has time on his side.

But for now. goodnight.

false priests
we're four fish in Inwood, wishing these easy days would never end.
Oh, vacation. How I revel in your sanctity.
Nic & Lorelei, Bobby and I.
Are staying in New York from July 1 to the 14th.
It's been so wonderful so far, personal struggle none withstanding.
See, under evaluation I notice inherent flaws in myself.
And I strive to fix them, if I only knew how.
I've been perceived as a fake.
It took three people saying this for me to consider it a solid opinion.
As such. Evaluation is necessary to purge myself of this quality.
Since I can even notice it now.
But I don't know how to remedy said personal flaw.
All I have is to actively try to be a better person and
to read. a lot.
I'm working on that.
I recently concluded the core three Dragonlance books which were outstanding.
I even tried to get my partner to try to roleplay one of the characters.
A new level of geek, one might say.

And now I'm on to my required summer reading.
Which so far is actually quite pleasant.
Also. I may move to New York with my present company when Lorelei & I finish high school next spring. Though. my heart belongs to Portland, I'd say.
oh me.
Anyway, that's the tall and short of what's going on nowadays
tell me if you see any loose mustaches running aboutm,

stay still sleepy head
So I'm writing this here since I don't have paper and need to remember things.
I'm a little self conscious about the sound of the keys as I type,
since John is trying to sleep beside me. Last night I asked him how long he thought we'd last.
He said, "I don't know.. at the rate we're going now.. not forever. But if things take a turn for the better, I bet we can last until July." mergpfft. He's moving back to Finland.
I'm conflicted. And will likely spend my senior year single.
Speaking of seniors. In the last few weeks, I've gotten to know two seniors very well who I love and deeply respect. Sutter and Becca Murdaugh. Sutter is my DM for Dungeons & Dragons. He's quiet. And inanely sarcastic. We've been keeping him company recently and he goes along with a joke really well. He's leaving for UTc later this year.
And Becca. I wuv Becca. She's so kind and she has quite the insight. Yesterday we were talking about past relationships. And she made good points.
"I'm really glad I didn't sleep with anyone I've dated, I mean... it hurt when we broke up but I feel that would've been harder to handle"
She also said she wouldn't be taking a new boyfriend for her first year of college so she could concentrate. She didn't want to get distracted.
She's going to UTk, hopefully I am too.
But my GPA is around a 3.
So I'm going to have to try hard to get in.

Yesterday I lost my keys.
Oh, I started driving real recently. wohoo.
But I lost my keys while in Kroger searching for picnic supplies.
It was really upsetting but I think I concealed that well.
Becca drove us to the park, and we had a nice albeit windy picnic with John & Sutter.

I lost all hope for humanity for a second though, when they hid my backpack.
I thought someone had stolen it and that it was gone along with my keys.
It was just a joke.. but man. That really sucked for a second.
Like. I nearly cried.

"You're not crazy, you're just wrong"

Then last night, after making a copy of the spare key. John & I went back to his grandmothers house, since she's out of town. (we're housesitting) So we spent the night there.
I'm surrounded by all these books. About spirits and the mind and soul help.
(she works as what's known as a Reiki master) ((Which sounds sorta like Heikki, Johns middle name)) And.. If I had that touch read spell like my DND character has, I would be so happy here.
I need to write a research paper today..
About a story called Where are You Going, Where Have You Been?. Speaking of, future self! Joyce Carrol Oates is a great author. You should buy a book of her short stories.
And later Lorelei invited us over for some awesome desert.
Not sure what. =)

Oh. Aand I went to saturday school yesterday due to the amount of snow days we missed.
It sort of sucked but was kind of a joke.

And we slept with a cat ^_^

(no subject)

There's not enough soil in the earth for how deep I want to be buried.
There's not enough water in the oceans for how slowly I want to sink.
There's not enough fire in the sun for how brightly I want to burn.
There aren't enough words in my head to say all the things I can't.
There's not enough blood in my body for all I need to bleed.
There's aren't enough couches in the world for how long I want to sleep.
There's not enough life in me, for all I want to live.
All I've had enough of, is you.


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