Rakastan sinua
Lately I love a boy who speak in a language of few.
I saw my favorite band, which reaffirmed them as the best.
Of Montreal was :speechless:

John. Is really great.
He's one of those turtleneck & loyalty. Kind & helpful & loving guys
I've always wanted in the winter.
And he isn't allergic to anything.
And he isn't boney.

But he's moving to Finland in five months.
So I have until then.


(no subject)
I want to understand why some people don't believe in souls.
I'm questioning everything I've ever learned.
Growing up, when I realized some people weren't religious it shocked me.
Being used to the fact everyone belonged to something, subscribing to some idea..
The concept that some people just chose not to was startling.
Like this. I really WANT to understand.
I've grown up my entire life believing, I have a soul.
But. What if I don't? Does it really make a difference?
I mean I think it does, but that's because of what I've always been told.
There's an inherent difference between the mind and the physical world.
Everyone's. It's perception. But I don't know if varying states of consciousness,
or emotion serve to say we do or don't have a soul. I can't tell.

I always thought that my soul was a well from which I drew emotions.
But I realize now that I have them solely because I'm human.
Because I am aware of the world around me and I react to it, usually accordingly.
I see that others feel the same things I do. So to say that this makes me in anyway different or special is flawed, is silly. It's looking past the point of all this.

I'm not even sure what it would mean to have one. If they exist.

So. I'm researching. Taking notes on everything and trying to discover what I really believe.
My mind is just like everyone else's.
It is so resistant to change.
It's so hard to just.. throw all caution to the wind and
forget everything I've grown up knowing.
I can't unlearn everything, I don't think I'm supposed to.
But I'm really trying to figure out how I fit into all this.

I wish there was someone to talk to.
And that I never felt lonely.


All of this is thanks to a migraine.
And reading about transhumanism, a thought I was introduced to on
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(no subject)

Ohmy. I do want this.

(no subject)
So I'm at a party.
I always update this at weird hours so I suppose this isn't especially peculiar.
I've come to the realization that situations often don't change people.
As much to say, if I'm adventuring or if I'm sitting at home moping..
I'm still the same. It's just my perception that has been momentarily altered.
I realize that lately I don't.. feel much.
I don't say this looking for a solution, just as a state of being.
And I don't expect you to try to fix it.
I just..
Don't know how to turn feelings back on.
Sadness, happiness, fear, excitement..
I feel so boring.
Like I'm not really living my life but tha I'm borrowing experiences from others.
My best friend, Lorelei. I've become a big part of her life.
Hanging out with her friends and tending to her duties.
I don't have many friends that are strictly my own.
And sometimes, I get lonely.
I don't like that I feel this, either.
I'd rather just be okay with being alone.
Gah. I didn't mean to rant, I'll get back to the party.
Maybe someone's waiting for me.
too bad he already left.

wearing a mask!

Burn this city.
So I've been looking up scholarships today.
I found some interesting ones.
Like the L.Ron Hubbard Illustration contest and
the Ducktape prom dress photo contest. I lol'd.
And those lightened up the fact I have to write plenty of essays. Soon too!
But man. I'm so looking forward to college.
Like you wouldn't believe. I need to make everything good now.
Great even, so that when I go ahead to college it will all be perfect.
I don't like that I'm looking to the future for happiness.
I see that if my world was different I could be having the
experience I want to be having now.
And as nice as my life is.. I want more long nights.
I'm being productive.
and not moping.
I wish there was someone who could be proud of me.

"You can never be abandoned, you can only be released"
Well met.
I'm really trying to have a good perspective rinnow.
Though apathy is prominent.
Tonight was quite fun, I went out with some friends and ate a huge burger.
Then worked on building a fire. With little success.
Also, I'm done with Rep.
I know I've always said that, but he's done with me.
So I don't want to be chasing my tail any longer. Making a fool of myself.
See. I should move on to bigger and better things.
Get a job, a car, learn some things.
I have plans for all of that this year.
What with my 50 book challenge for 2010.
And Dad *says* he'll bring my car up this week.
I'm speculative as always.
I'm constantly telling this journal things that are going on as opposed to how I feel about it because I don't think it will read well when I look back on it.
I want to tell my future self,
Honesty is a selective thing. As often as you should use it, with those you trust..
It's a case by case situation when dealing with emotional people.
Some people can't handle honesty.
And breaking up hurts.
In the days that follow every hour is a battle between them and moving on.
You can only win so much.

I wonder what I'll do with this song I wrote.

Also. It's okay to be friends with undesirables.
As long as you balance it out, and don't let them into your heart.

I need to meet new people.

and To the Gods of time and the moon,
please bless me with your constance.

learning to unlove<

(no subject)
Well hello there little one.
Nice to see you, it's been awhile hasn't it?

Anyway. It's The day after Christmas.
I'm in Virginia visiting my family.

We're an interesting group,
all 20 on this side of the family.
I have four uncles.
One's an airplane pilot/mechanic who has flown the Pope and various presidents.
One lives up in DC and has the same birthday as I do. And a huge collection of DVDs.
One has a ranch in northern Virginia, which we visit and play paintball.
The last is unremarkable, even in his name. which is Chris. he's a scoundrel.

For Christmas, from my nuclear family and this one
I received around 400$ and a bamf pair of Levi's.
The money is going towards building myself a new computer.
The pants towards straight sex. Not really.

and Next year I have some srs plans.
psht, even next week.
I plan for:
my car to get here, to go makeup shopping with Nanny and to get my hair done.
Next year:
I'm participating in something called the 50 Book Challenge. (50books/1year)
and ohmygosh. I'm seventeen. College is soon.
Katie and I are going on a college tour over Spring Break..
I hope my ACT scores come back superior.
:crosses fingers:

I've been changing a lot lately.
Or atleast aware of the capacity of myself to change.
I'm not sure in which direction I want to go with this,
but I definitely need to find more contentment.
See, I don't know if I should change myself to be happy with what I have or
try harder to get what I want...
I guess it's just that I'm not even sure what that is anymore.
I used to want to have someone to love but I'm even unsure of that lately.
So many undesirables plague my everyday life,
it's hard to sift through to find potential.

Emily thinks all I need to do is wait, and go to college. I'll find good people there.
Glen says to move on, that I deserve to find someone who treats me better.

Last week Glen, Katie and I went skiing. The day before Christmas Eve.
It was wonderful skiing, powdery snow. I was proud of myself.
What I really enjoyed was the drive up there, getting to talk to Glen.
He's dealing with an interesting situation.
Finding friends of his caliber in a small school or settling with what he can find.
We all have expectations.
It's hard to lower standards.

The Game.

the midnight is for walking, moonlit for talking
Well hello there.
I noticed that it's 5 DAYS TILL Christmas! zomg

Life's been better lately. Well, more so than my prior entries.
Yesterday was good.
It snowed. *Oh gosh* it snowed on friday.
That night we took an expedition out to Walmart while the roads were snowed over.
Rodney's SUV was one of the few with tires able to drive on it.
But lots of people tried. We saw people on the interstate, walking.
Everything was pitch white and starkly beautiful.
And slightly post apocalyptic.

I made a snow owl.

On Saturday Glen, Chris and I went on an adventure in the snow. Playing with sleds and having srs snowball fighting. It was a good way to take out my anger at him. Or so I said, I ended up staying the day at his house. It was so similar to how we used to be.
Oh, but for Christmas he got some marvelous speakers. They made music into an opiate.
I still have so many reservations about that guy.
He never apologized. It just happens that I still like him.
:shrugs: That is what it is until it changes.

I've been playing the video game he's all obsessed with recently.
League of Legends. winning feels so good.
But my computer doesn't run well, what with the constantly dying battery.
So last night I tried to download it on my moms..
I opened my door, and the microwave.. I suppose I was loud?
Rodney came out (in boxers =/ ew) and yelled at me for not caring about anyone else.
Disrupting their sleep. I had no idea. It was sort of frightened me, I felt threatened.
in my own house... bah. I guess it was 4 in the morning.

Well, I'm done here.
I hope you have a good Christmas this year.


Also, We watched Yes Man yesterday and it was great =)

We had water in guns, and got by on gratitude
Tomorrow is the last day of this semester.
It's only a half day and I have exams. and no plans after.
I'm nervous about my exams. They're for AP US History and Biology2.
So much information.. I'm getting to studying the minute I finish here.
Or my computer dies.
Either could happen.
Next week looks busy, and dad's bringing up my car and
power cord someday in the first half.
Oh, and two guys from DOTA club like me.
One has promise but the other is an undesirable
who previously dated a close friend.
That's not up to my standards.
But I have more important things to worry about than boys rinnow.
Like this exam!
and I'm working on planning a movie day for saturday.

I have so many plans.
It's nice.

wishes shse could tell you what she learned today

If I cut my hair.. hawaii will sink
I need not post those whiney everything-is-wrong posts.
I shouldn't show self doubt.
I'm going out to dinner with my Father who's in town to pick up my brother.
He's going to live in Knoxville. So I'm going to be moving downstairs into his room.
Which will be very private.
I'm painting it red.
It's apparent how much life will be changing soon.
I'm excited.
I hope I meet someone new to love.

Bye. You've been great.


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